First blog

Not a very original name but have to start somewhere. I was watching my daughter play basketball at a local school tonight and one of the mums asked me about what i would do when i went back to Australia. We have only just started making this public and so I started the conversation that i dreaded having. I wonder how many times i will have this conversation before we leave. 

I am still in denial so I am basically not ready to have that conversation because it makes me have to think about going and I don't want to think or talk about it. So I will be pushing a button in my brain and putting out the the automatic answer. I will have a variety ready for different occasions so that i don't have to think too deeply at the time. 

I have started to have crying episodes out of the blue. I cried at the ADEM store before christmas when i realised it was the last time I would shop there for Christmas. I cry when I see Gemma's lost dog signs because if she is found after we are gone, no one can bring her back to us.

The victorian bushfires are awful. People lost homes, lives and communities. Some of them can choose to rebuild and start again but they will never get that community back again, because some of them died, some of them won't come back even if they survived. Our Kazakhstan community is like a slow motion bush fire. I have seen the "transition" coming, I will pack up and take what I can , I will have to start again somewhere new and i will never have this community again.  I didn't get physically burnt and my loved ones weren't killed. I have had warning. So I am better off than the fire survivors but I still feel traumatised.

I know about transitions. I still hate them.